When my children were just entering school age, I was concerned about how often I was using my phone in front of them. My children tend to be brutally honest, so I sat them down and asked them, “Kids? What do you think daddy likes doing the most?”
I was fully anticipating their answer to be, “You like your phone a lot, papí.”
But that wasn’t the answer I received. Instead, I got something I wasn’t expecting: an epiphany.
As I waited for my children to answer my question, a mountain of pride came crumbling down into a pool of retrospective reflection. I began to realize the effects of my screen usage around my kids. While their tiny noggins noodled their response in what lasted no more than a couple seconds, I was lost in a decade of thought on what could be the effects of my tech overuse:
Phones Produce Attention Seeking Behaviors
It never ceases to amaze me how fast my kids are to interrupt me when I turn on my phone. Within seconds, they gravitate toward me to ask questions, show me their artwork, or just to come and get a hug. Sometimes, I tell them “In a minute” and other times, I try to maintain my attention on both them and my screen. Either way, if I ignore them for more than a minute, they begin to seek out my attention negatively. They’ll misbehave, start repeating requests over and over again, or even start annoying their siblings. They do this in an effort to get my attention. Whether it is consciously or subconsciously, negative or positive, they want their daddy.
This isn’t something that occurs only under my roof. As a full time 6th grade teacher, I’ve noticed this in my students as well. Students who need the most love tend to showcase negative attention seeking behaviors. They seem incapable of empathy, uncaring, and disruptive, but truthfully they are seeking attention that they lack due to technology overuse in their homes and in their friendship circles.
Research affirms this notion. According to MIT professor Sherry Turkle, author of Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other:
“‘I have quotes from college students depicting childhoods when they could not get parents’ attention during meals,’ she told NBC News. ‘What’s troubling is that parents do not respond appropriately to children’ seeking attention ‘and their own distraction from the children. That’s the real story in this paper, the vicious little secret that starts the pathology we should worry about’” (NBCnews.com).
Children are acting out, mostly negatively, to their parents’ constant use of their devices and the frequent neglect of their children. This is true in my house as it is in millions of homes around the world.
We Lose Opportunities to Redirect
You know your kids better than anyone else in the world. You know when their peak hours of energy are. You can tell by the way they walk, the way they talk, even by the way they look whether or not they are going to do something productive or destructive. There are countless moments throughout your day when you are able to redirect them toward something that is good for them. Reminding them to clean up their toys before they take another one out so they can avoid having to pick up a ton of toys at one time. Making sure they finish their meal even if they think they aren’t hungry because you know that if they don’t they’ll get “hangry” an hour later. Picking them up to read a book when they realize the toy they were playing with got picked up by their sibling when they weren’t looking. We loose these opportunities to foresee negative behaviors when we are busy scrolling on our phones.
They Develop Speech Problems
Researchers have shown that the first moments of a baby’s life are critical to their psychological development. From birth to age 2, their brains are learning how to react to stimuli of all sorts and as a result, their motor skills, depth perception, and especially their linguistic abilities start developing at an incredible rate. On top of that, their sense of belonging is also fortified by constant contact from their parents’ hugs, snuggles, coos, and kisses.
Having a newborn is exhausting and, at times, kind of boring. Many parents have tried to cure their boredom by taking to their phones while they raise their babies. Their attention is distracted and, as a result, they are less talkative to their kids. They might hold them and help them physically maneuver their surroundings, but they tend to be silent as they focus their mind and energy on their screens instead of their kiddos. As a result, their children learn to speak less and observe more. Many of these babies have speech development problems due to their parents’ lack of linguistic interaction.
Research backs this up. Jenny Radesky, M.D., a child behavior expert and pediatrician at University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, conducted the study with colleagues from Boston Medical Center and they found that “parent mobile device use is associated with fewer verbal and nonverbal interactions with the children” (Sciencedaily.com).
We All Lack Empathy
One research group decided to see if the use of devices on a regular basis would affect the abilities of adolescents to read facial expressions and body language in strangers. To do this, they invited several teens who claimed to use their screens more often than others to participate in a week-long summer camp experience. They split this group into two and, prior to leaving, had them look at pictures of strangers of who they were asked to say in what mood they were in based on their facial expressions and gestures. This was done to measure their ability to empathize with the strangers, to deduce if they were sad, angry, hungry, etc. The answers were recorded, and off they went to camp.
The two groups participated in the same excursions, activities, and the like with two diffferences: they went only weeks apart and one group was allowed to bring their devices while the other group was not. That meant that for one week, one group of students would only be allowed to communicate with others face-to-face while the other group could access their social medai, text, and other digital means of communication throughout their time at camp.
Once they arrived back, they were given the same empathy test from prior to leaving for camp. The group who was able to use their technology scored slightly higher, but the group who did not use their devices for a week scored 20% higher than before. They had gotten a digital detox and, as a result of more real life interactions, they were more able to recognize the emotions in others.
When we are attached to our screens, we are unable to focus our attention on the needs of others. Our will power is kidnapped by our devices and our ability to detach from them gives us more reasons to look inward for our sense of belonging and not outward. Seeking out the needs of others is natural; communities since the beginning of time have forged relationships with one another through empathy not only for their psychological well-being, but for their survival. With cell phones in our hands, we see only bits of pieces of others while we completely ignore those who are within a stone’s throw of our presence. It is a dangerous circle that results in our inability to relate with others.
Stress Levels Soar
All of the aforementioned effects of cell phone use in the presence of our children lead to the overarching problem of stress. When we distract our minds from the realities at hand, we tend to play catch up in every other aspect of our lives. Since we’ve chosen to waste our time playing games or scrolling through social media, our lives become unbalanced and our responsibilities are ignored. As a result, we have to do more with less time and we drive ourselves crazy attempting to complete our daily tasks. We stay up later, wake up earlier, skip meals, cancel appointments and sacrifice time with our loved ones so we can keep our heads afloat in the ocean of life.
According to an article published in LiveScience.com, author P.J. Manney sates:
“There is too much information for us to take in. Our brains can’t handle the barrage of emotionally draining stories told to us, and this leads to a negation or suppression of emotion that destroys empathy. The natural response is to shut down our compassion, because we are emotionally exhausted” (Livescience.com).
What kind of person do you want your child to be when they are older? What do you want them to do with their time? Read good books? Write their own? Enjoy and appreciate the beauty of nature? Stay physically fit? Pray?
Or do you want them to watch TV and spend endless hours on their phone?
Be cautious of how often you pull out your phone in their presence. They learn from you.
When I asked my kids what they thought their daddy liked doing the most, I expected they would put the nail in my digital addiction coffin and say, “Daddy, you sure like being on your phone.”
I was wrong…
“Papí, you like mommy, snuggling with us, and writing. Those are your favorite things.”
Maybe I am doing this parenting thing right. At least my children are perceiving it that way.
From my household to yours, may this Christmas be filled with joy and may your 2018 be packed with motivation to accomplish every goal God has set up for you. Remember “it is he who accomplishes all that we have done” (and will do). -Isaiah 26:12
Merry Christmas and happy New Year from the Burdick family
The most common email I get comes from those who want to know my story about why (and how) I joined the Dominican Order as a layman. I tried to do it justice in this video that I created, but I’m realizing now that there is so much more to unravel.
So, here’s the whole story:
Distracted from Truth
When God takes control of your life, the pathway is never certain, or clear, When I was a teenager, I started seeking answers to life’s ultimate questions. I was a cradle Catholic and Catholic school educated, but even then, I questioned my belief system often. I discovered some half truths but I found so many more lies that I liked better. I found that my religious formation, though often correct in everything that dealt with inward morality, didn’t serve as a catalyst toward the outward action I felt was missing from organized religion. Church seemed to me an emotional circle that we would gather around to share our feelings and desires, which was great, but it never satisfied me theologically. After 8th grade, I did not study to the degree I should have. I didn’t know how to maneuver the complexities of the Catholic faith- I only know how to equate God with my feelings.
Exploration of Worldly Truths
So, I followed my emotions to a very dark place. I lavished in personal pleasures, none more dangerous to my soul than the vanity of my collegiate and semi-professional basketball career. I escaped into the world and, in doing so, sacrificed my God. Instead of pursuing the everlasting glow of the halo, I fell through the cracks of a cold, orange, iron rim that led quickly to a hard floor. I eventually lost my ability to play the game I loved so much when God granted me the grace of two separate knee injuries. I say that these were “graces” now, but in the moment, they were obstacles that led me away from God and toward myself.
Discerning the Priesthood
It wasn’t long before I realized that my own sinful actions were the cause of all of my pain. The simple lessons taught in my boyhood from my Catholic schooling and at home resonated within my soul once I was mature enough to understand them. And so, as a man of impulse, I gave everything up. I fasted on bread and water, I studied for several hours a day, and I winsomely discerned the priesthood as my only option to make God proud. I had already spoke with our Director of Vocations in my diocese and was one semester away from heading off to seminary when God did something truly remarkable…
Marriage and Missionary Life
I met the woman who would later become my wife in the entryway of Saint Joseph the Worker parish, one of the few primarily latino Catholic Church of my diocese. I had missed attending Mass after 3 consecutive months due to the daylight savings time change. When I arrived the following week, a beautiful Mexican princess pulled me aside and said, “Where were you last week?” Shocked that someone was actually talking to me, I answered with my broken Spanish. We became friends. I discerned out of the priesthood. We got engaged within 5 months and were married just after of a year after the day we first met.
After our first year of marriage, we became missionaries to her native Mexico. While the lifestyle was difficult, it was perfect for my impulsive longing for holiness. There, we cared for poor young boys in an orphanage where we were expected to be their providers and guides in their dark worlds. For 24 hours a day, we were on, active in prayer and deed and we enjoyed it. We grew very close to one another as a couple serving in Christ’s missionary field. So close that we multiplied…
Finding My Community
Upon returning home from our service as missionaries, we laid down roots in Grand Rapids, Michigan where God blessed us with 4 children and steady work in the educational field. Teaching had always been my passion, and God found it a necessary component for my own salvation and those of the students who I would serve as teacher. My love for teaching was so overflowing that I took whatever excess of time I had and wrote my first book on the topic. The book was called 99 Ways to Teach Like the Master, and before I began writing it, I had grown to accept another passion that was growing within me- online evangelization.
I started my first blog in 2009 shortly after we returned from our missionary year. I found many other people through my connections on social media who shared a similar passion for writing on theological and philosophical topics. A few viral blog posts later and boom, I had a tribe- a group of followers who enjoyed what I was writing and were willing to support my passion by sharing my posts, endorsing my books, and even producing content that would guide people toward what I was doing as a writer.
This was the first taste of the fruits of my evangelistic labors. I found that my words were affecting people positively. It was then I began to learn about, reengage with, and eventually fall back in love with the Catholic Church and her teachings.
But, there was one problem, I had no idea what I was doing.
I was graced with a large audience and opportunities to preach God’s word to many people, but I was still very immature in my faith. I needed something to help me understand the deeper, more complex aspects of my faith. I needed direction, orthodox instruction, and a community of like-minded people.
That’s when I started to research the Third Orders in my community. I spent months debating between the Third Order Franciscans, the Third Order Carmelites, and the Lay Dominicans. I knew I was impulsive by nature, so attending even one meeting could have been the only justification I needed to make a poor decision. So, I didn’t attend meetings with any of these groups because I wanted to be as sure as possible of what they believed and what they practiced. I delved deeper into my study.
In March of 2013, I took my first step in a journey that would change my life forever. I walked into my first Lay Dominican meeting. I expected it to be another pow-wow where everyone shared their feelings and sang songs together. After two hours of listening to the members pray the Liturgy of the Hours, the Rosary, then participate in very high-level intellectual formation, I was stunned. I had NEVER been a part of something so objectively awesome with God as its center. I was hooked.
I took a month or two off to discern whether or not this was for me. After speaking about it with my wife, I laid down the steps that I would need to take in an organized plan and executed them while I discerned. I published those steps in an article I wrote for Ignitum Today titled How to Join a Third Order, which, to this day, is one of the most visited articles in the site’s history.
Apparently I’m not the only one who’s been called to discern a Third Order Vocation!
The Mary Factor
The final step that led me toward my acceptance into the Lay Dominican Order was a simple grace that came through my formation as a novice. Throughout the discovery period, I toggled between whether or not I could accept such a vocation given the immense pressure of my duties as a full time teacher and a full time husband and father. God continued to grace us with children on one hand, and on the other hand, I was given opportunity after opportunity to grow spiritually through my online evangelization efforts. I was in the middle of my second Master’s degree and we had four children under 5 years old at one point. I couldn’t figure out how living out a Third Order vocation could possibly fit into that equation.
So, I backed away. I stopped everything. My Dominican formation, my writing, my online evangelization, my Masters. Everything was put on hold except the needs of my family.
It was then that I began praying the Rosary every day. I joined the Confraternity of the Rosary and offered my entire life to Our Lady through my total consecration to Jesus through Mary.
It was then that things started to become clear.
After years of no study and no writing, I came to understand the obscurity of Christ’s early life before his public ministry. Like him, I remained spiritually alone with Mary and she taught me the importance of keeping my priorities in check. I learned to love my family above all else by sacrificing everything else. Together, my wife, my family, Our Lady and I trudged through the valleys of darkness that overshadowed us and we escaped into the grace of a springtime of love.
Little by little, the need to continue discovering the depths of God made itself present within my soul. This time, instead of accepting every opportunity that crossed my path, I became intentional about what projects I accepted and how much time I would dedicate to doing them.
The most important project in my mind was completing my Dominican formation, because I knew that if I could finish strong that I would be able to count on the graces that came with it to grow deeper in my knowledge of truth. The same spirit that ran through the veins of Aquinas, Albert the Great, Martin De Porres and St. Catherine of Siena (among countless others) would leave an indelible mark on my own soul, one that would guide me toward my potential for personal excellence and, more importantly, the salvation of many souls, including my own.
Wearing blue to represent Our Lady who covered me with her graces, I made my final promises in March of 2016 and become a tried and true Dominican.
I am a layman and a religious now. I belong totally to my wife and in my primary vocation as husband and as a member of a third order, I’ve responded to a “vocation within a vocation.” As a member of the Order of Preachers, I am dedicated to truth and even more dedicated to preaching that truth to the ends of the earth.
I couldn’t be more honored than to order my life according to the Rule that I promised to live by, I am a Lay Dominican, which affects every aspect of my life for the better. It is what I have been called to do and, God-willing, “I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all of his people” (Psalm 116:14).
If you are like most people, the first thing you do when you wake up is look at your screen.
After you take a shower, you check your email while you eat breakfast.
On you commute to work, you check your social media while stopped at a red light and you check again shortly after finding a place in the parking lot.
At work, at home, in the bathroom, while pumping gas, heck, even when your own kids are begging for you to read them a book, your life is surrounded by screens, screens, and more screens.
Your life is a liturgy.
Every act you commit, for better or for worse, belongs to God and I’d be willing to wager that much of what we do and say with our devices gives little to further God’s kingdom and much less to strengthen our souls and nourish our bodies. Repetitively, we follow the same rite of unlocked screens and eternal scrolls throughout our day and what do we gain from it? A few “likes” and a comment or two?
While technology has the potential to satisfy our curiosity and cure our boredom, it tends to distract us from achieving our ultimate goal- that of our salvation.
To change that, we need to add breadth and depth to our daily lives. We need to return to a daily liturgy that looks more like the “ancient” rite from 20 years ago. You know, the time before technology turned us into screen addicts.
Here’s how:
Pray
God tells us that the most important commandment is “to love God with all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself” (Mat. 22: 37-38). Having a consistent prayer time a the beginning of the day connects our souls to God and unites our will with His. As prayer becomes a habit, you find yourself seeing the world through God’s eyes. When this happens, almost every act you commit becomes an intentional way of knowing loving, and serving God.
Exercise
St. Paul tells us, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” (1 Cor. 6: 19-20). I think we forget how beautiful our physical bodies are and can be. We tend to put physical exercise at the bottom of our priority list. We eat what we shouldn’t and our pulse remains stagnant in a world that needs our endurance to be sufficient “to fight the good fight, to win the race, to keep the faith” (2 Tim. 4:7). A daily routine of physical exercise can take our bodies from lowly missionary chapels to breathtaking Cathedrals.
Read
Proverbs tells us that “though it cost you everything you have, get wisdom” (Prov 4:7). Erasmus echoes the sentiment when he wrote, “When I have a little money, I buy books; and if I have any left, I buy food and clothes.” Technology has made it easier than ever to read books and listen to them via audio books. And yet, we tend to use our screens instead to play games and loose ourselves in feeds. Read more books and you’ll become more interesting of a person to talk to. Read more books and you’ll gain a better perspective on life, people, and God. Read more books and you’ll find yourself on your phone a lot less.
Pursue Your Passion
God has given you a mission to complete. He’s supplied you with the skills and time to do it. He’s also given you the desire to go through the long and tiring hours needed in order to accomplish it. What is it that drives you, that makes you unique from the rest of the world?
Are you a writer? Then write 500-1000 words a day with God as your inspiration.
Are you a runner? Then train for that 10K with God by your side.
Are you a wood carver? Then shape your slab into a beautiful work of art with Jesus (who knew a thing or two about carpentry) as your muse.
You were meant to create something good, true, and beautiful. Each day, do something to develop your talents, practice your craft, and produce fruit for the kingdom.
These are only 4 things that we should be doing every day to become holier in the a world where illuminated screens tend to overshadow our passions. But “in God’s light we see light itself” (Psalm 36:9), which means that wherever there are shiny devices and twiddly thumbs that stroke them, grace abounds all the more.
What else can we add to the list? What do you do every day that brings you closer to God (and further away from your screens)?
The Burdick household has had a steady supply of sidewalk chalk stashed in the garage for the past 7 years and I can safely say that this invention of artistic genius is exactly the kind of toy that God had in mind when He invented “play.” Why, you may ask? Because sidewalk chalk is the most theologically sound piece of playery that has ever existed (andG.K. Chesteron agrees!).
Consider the following arguments:
1) Sidewalk chalk is finite in the hands of a toddler yet infinite in its ability to create.
The tiny hands of the four year old must measure the grade and make the pavement beautiful until the chalk has turned into a nub.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a perfect explanation of what our mission is as humans, to allow the Creator to use us, His finite creations, to make His world beautiful until our bodies are worn down into the weakness of old age?
2) Sidewalk chalk has one purpose: to make the cold and gray sidewalk look beautiful so as to give joy to the the drawer.
My kiddos create concrete masterpieces every time they go outside and they could not be more proud of their art. I can only imagine what God feels when He sees His own image and likeness flourishing in the comfort of his grace.This is SO much better than the evilness of Play-Doh which hardens into tiny little pieces that separate and multiply themselves as they maim the carpet with heartless deceit.
3) Sidewalk chalk is diverse. It is made up of various colors and it comes in many shapes and forms.
DC Talk sang it best:
“A piece of canvas is only the beginning for
It takes on character with every loving stroke
This thing of beauty is the passion of an Artist’s heart
By God’s design, we are a skin kaleidoscope.”
-“Colored People”, DC Talk
4) Jesus probably would have used sidewalk chalk.
“But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.” -John 8:6
It was a little dusty in the towns where Jesus’ performed His miracles. I’m sure He would have totally used chalk to write the Good News on the Roman road system there. If not Him, then at LEAST His disciples who would have drawn thousands of arrows pointing to wherever He was.
5) Chalk disappears.
Theology serves its purpose in the mere attempt to discover and learn more about God. And yet, St. Paul tells us that understanding God completely is impossible on this side of eternal life:
“O the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” -Romans 11:33
Although it is impossible to understand His ways, we constantly thirst for knowledge of God in much the same way that a child strives for perfection in their artistry of sidewalk chalk. We seek a masterpiece that will never fade away in the storms of life, an image that can be permanently tattooed on our concrete hearts so as to turn them into flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).
What pictures are you drawing on the street corners of the world?
What obra maestra have you sketched into eternity?
What masterpiece have you allowed God to create through your daily grind?
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Life is a series of ups and downs. When everything seems to be going your way, it is guaranteed that things will get worse. The same is true on the opposite side of the spectrum- when darkness surrounds you; there’s light at the end of the tunnel. This series of highs and lows is called undulation, and it makes life… interesting.
As journeyers, we climb to the peaks and delve into the valleys of this life in order to find our way into eternal joy in the next. The problem is, we are never quite sure where we are. We are constantly lost in a torrential downpour of activity that we rarely take a step back to see where we’ve been, where we are, and where we are going.
That’s why it is so important to audit your life. Auditing your life gives you power over your future by placing you firmly upon the foundation of your current state. It orders your priorities and grounds you in the reality of what you are able to do right now in order to get to where you want to be. If you aren’t auditing your life regularly, you simply aren’t living.
A good life audit will help you do the following:
It helps you control your mental and physical health.
It maintains your positive relationships while keeping the negative ones at bay.
It provides a pathway to better economic stability.
It builds foundation for you to pursue your passions while allowing you to pursue happiness in your work.
Most importantly, it brings you closer to God through spiritual checkpoints.
The best part about auditing your life is that it is simple to do. The only thing you need is a sheet of paper, a pencil and a good hour of silence (or more) to focus what is going on in your life right now.
This is the process I follow:
I create three equal columns across my sheet of paper and I place the following headings on them.
Column one: The Positive (+)
Column two: The Indifferent (=)
Column three: The Negative (-)
Next, I spend as long as I can focusing on the positive things that have happened in my life since my last audit. For example, my latest audit has the following (and many more) in The Positive column:
Spending more time with my wife now that work has died down a bit.
Reading every day with my kids for at least a half hour.
Currently writing two books and enjoying the process.
My schedule is not too hectic right now.
I’ve exercised regularly and my energy levels are high as they’ve ever been.
Then, I take a few moments to think about the things in my life that I’ve placed on the back burner, things that don’t make me feel one way or another, but are nonetheless important to my life. Here are a few things that are currently on my Indifferent column:
I postponed my Masters coursework.
My day job is normal.
The yard is not perfect, but bearable.
Finally, I take my final step by addressing with complete honesty the things that worry me, stress me out, and keep me from sleeping some nights. Here’s a sample of what’s currently on my Negative column:
Student loan debt.
Inconsistent prayer time.
Still not able to find time to help the poor as much as I’d like to.
I wish I had more time to be with my brothers and sisters.
My work contract is currently being changed, will I loose income?
My lists usually have a minimum of 10 things in each column. When I am finished, I can visually see if my current state is positive, negative or indifferent. If there are more things in the positive column, my life is going fairly well. If there are more lines filled in the negative column, I need to figure out how to change them to the other side.
To close, I then do three things:
I thank God for all of the positives He has placed in my life and pray that I can retain them by not taking them for granted.
I ask God to help me with the things I am struggling with.
I write down one action step that I can take over the course of the next three months to bring one of the negatives onto the positive side.
My current action step reads as follows:
Pray once with Scripture immediately after waking up and pray again, in a kneeling position, before laying down for bed.
You can see the negative I want to focus on is the lack of consistency in my prayer life. If I am successful with my action step, those prayers will likely bring many other things on my list to the positive column too because when prayer is a priority, I’m more readily able to accept whatever comes my way, be it negative or positive.
I would recommend auditing your life using this format once every three months. I would also recommend not looking back at your past audits until after you have completed the one you are currently writing. The reason being is because if you look back into your past audits, they might influence the way you are currently feeling for the worse. It is better to take the blank slate and lay all of your positives and negatives on the table as they come to you at the moment you sit down to write them. If you look back, certain emotions might overcome your current state and make you lean towards feeing the same way. Avoid that temptation- wait until you’ve completed your current audit in order to compare it to past versions.
Regardless of where you are in the undulation of life, atop a peak or in the depths of the valley, auditing your life will help you take a step back and realize the blessings God has given you and the work you can put into making your future state a positive one.
So, get a sheet of paper and a pencil, block off some time tonight, and take the first step toward controlling what can be controlled in your life by giving your life an honest audit.
When you finish, let me know in the comments what your action step for the next three months will be and I can pray for your success.
